"And for this cause, God shall send them strong delusion, that they should believe a lie; that they all might be damned." - Thessalonians 2:11
WOOOOOW, JAM ON IT
Justin Timberlake now claims that Janet Jackson was asked to expose her breast at the 2004 Super Bowl by the FCC (Federal Communication Commission) and the Department of State, to purposefully cause outrage amongst the National Football League and their 180 million viewers and fans. The backlash by upset housewives caused many Constitutional Amendment reforms into effect that, according to Timberlake, "could not be passed or put into place in such a normally liberal society." It is claimed in return for the breast exposure the Department of State would help drop child molestation charges against her brother, Michael Jackson.
SYSTEM PLEASURE... I MEAN, FAILURE
It has been proposed by the U.S. Department of Computers and Technical Services that as of 2004, up to 65% of all internet users have unknowingly installed the Zsa Zsa Virus, a 'harmless-to-the-hardrive' file, which instals itself when downloading music or video. The contents of the file are six one inch by one inch jpegs of child pornography, which hides in an unlisted folder. If you take your computer in for repairs, and someone finds this file - by law - the police must be called in to inspect all files on your computer.
HE IS A GOOD ACTOR, BUT HE CAN'T FAKE ANAL RAPE
It had been alleged - using possibly doctored photos on the internet - actor Sean Penn received much more than expected when he visited Iraq. The (alleged) photos are of Sean Penn (or look-alike) being forcibly held face down by two guards, while Saddam Hussein is behind Penn (or Penn imitator). The expression on Sean Penn's face (or his impostor's face) seems to portray horror. In a supposed unrelated incident, police documents filed with INTERPOL - by a little-known Hollywood press-agent, working for who he claimed, "has the right to be kept as an unknown party" - states charges against the Iraqi leader with acts of sodomy, extortion and attempted defamation of character.
THEY ARE NOT HOODLUMS - BUT HOLY MEN
In parts of Central Asia, mostly in India and Nepal, religious sects are worshipping United States' gang members - like the Bloods and Crips - as a whole society of "god-men". Some claim that the gang members are sub-deities sent by the last incarnation of Vishnu to wipe out the impure. One of the ideas behind their reasoning are the mudras or "hand signs" - which the Buddha, as well as Hindi deities used - which tell practitioners they came from "...a land before ours. Sent from the great beyond to cleanse our world!" exclaimed one Lama Xoxi Shkerdeedee.
NIGGA PLEEZ
Ron J. Steele author of The Mark is Ready - Are You?, with the rather infamous proclamation that Michael Jackson was the Antichrist, claims God has spoken to him once again. In his new book I Pity da Fool and the Devil Too he states that Biblical representations of Christ and the "things-to-come" of Revelations prove the Messiah is here now, and he is none other than actor Mr. T. Interesting enough, Mr. T himself has admitted a liking to Christ in his 1983 autobiography Mr. T: The Man with the Gold.
6 / 6 / 6PM
Every year on June 6th, at 6am and 6pm, many Christian doctors worldwide attempt to delay pregnancies for that hour, sometimes attempting to delay the pregnancy in a time-window of up to three hours, "...just in case..." said one doctor (name withheld), "...I don't want to be responsible for the birth of the Antichrist."
MORE 666 CRAP, SOME FIVES AND A GROUNDHOG TOO
CBS news carried a message from the US Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld, on February 2, 2003, "The war with Iraq could last six (6) days, six (6) weeks, or six (6) months." (CBS Radio News, 8 am EST). Interesting to note, the second day of February is known in the United States as Groundhog's Day, which is actually one of the five Celtic Fire Festivals, known as Candlemas (or Imblog). An even more interesting note was that five hours later Punxsutawney Phil predicted six more weeks of winter.
NEIL, DO ANTS GO TO DISCOS?
My girlfriend
has figured out a way to communicate with ants. She can make them dance by singing
to them. Don't believe me?
Take a look...
3, 2, 1... BLASTED COINCIDENCES
At 8:59 am, February 1st of 2003 the space shuttleColumbia broke up over Texas - with one Israeli and six other Americans who perished. The first pieces of the shuttle fell near Palestine, Texas. Exactly 17 years and 3 days after the Challenger blew up in 1986, the Columbia was in its 17th day just 17 minutes from landing at 9:16am. On an American Indian calendar, the flight with 7 crew members (same number as the Challenger) took off on the 7th day of the 7th Moon (16 January – 12th anniversary of the beginning of the last war on Iraq).
I'LL SHOW YOU THE SMOKING GUN
It has been uncovered by alternative media that the government, together with FOX Network and thesmokinggun.com have devised a way to get every sex pervert's e-mail address. FOX hired Sarah Kozer, who stared in Dirty Soled Dolls - a foot fetish movie - and later bondage flicks and photoshoots, to become a contestant on their lowbrow epic Joe Millionaire. Later "leaking" the story to "the press" (of which FOX owns 35% of all media outlets), and posting the photos on The Smoking Gun website. Millions of men visited, and many lesbians, but not enough curios straight women. Concocting a later story of Evan Marriott - the phony millionaire in Joe Millionaire - where photos himself "surfaced" in underwear ads. Also posting those photos on The Smoking Gun website. Millions of women followed. All e-mails are now kept in private business records at CM FOX, Inc.
BUYING BRIGHT BAGS? BIG BLUNDER!
Headshops and drug dealers worldwide sell and distribute plastic bags in a range of bright colors (blue, red and yellow), whether just trying to be cool or to differentiate their product's look from a competing dealer or distributor. The Department of Justice has asked that plastic companies make baggies in these bright colors to help police find bags that have been discarded by running or fleeing suspects.
BOXERS - THE DOUBLE EDGED SWORD
The Illuminati has won yet another battle in the silent war waged to turn the common man into a slave, by convincing lower class to lower-middle class citizens to wear boxers instead of briefs. Through TV media commercials and Hip Hop music videos, the message was spread that boxers "were in". This works on three levels; 1) Boxers help sperm count, increasing the lower class population. 2) Drugs were usually hidden in the one spot officers cannot pat down (ie - crotch), eliminating area to conceal illegalities - increasing prison population. 3) The upper-class, hating everything the lower-class does, instead wears briefs, giving the males low sperm count, causing a decrease in the upper-class population.
WELL... GOOD-BYE
According to author Texe Marrs, both in film and on television series, actors never say "good-bye" before hanging up the phone. He has claimed this as a major step toward creating a more rude society, "suspicious and full of hatred for their neighbors ... using people against people, as their personal - yet very public - spy network."
THE CATHOLIX
A 2001 Press Release from the Vatican stated that The Matrix has caused those of which have seen the movie, "lost...and partially damned". Page 4 Article XXIII Laiscvm B) "...it (The Matrix) has personally changed many to view the world in a more Gnostic light, they of which being heretics, have chosen a path away from Christ." The most damning evidence? "The line, 'There is no spoon' has influenced many minds into thinking more openly, outside common religious thought. They believe we are archaic and outdated."
SOMEONE IS SMOKING THE BUDDHA KHAN
By 2004 Japan plans to release anyone mistakenly under arrest or locked away in psychiatric facilities who have been diagnosed as schizophrenic or having schizophrenia. Originally put forth by Weeno Ehx Ysto, a Buddhist sect who have popularized the idea that these are not sick people, but those who have become truly enlightened. "These people have been reborn by the imperfections of this material Universe. They have been already enlightened and their minds cannot think in simplified time-space-material terms, like our minds," said Mi Luk Fee, head of the Ysto Foundation in Tokyo. He continued, "Hallucinations are mental manifestations of astral beings and situations ... their minds mix between planes of existence."
4:20? OH 4/20!
On April 20th of every year "stoners" around the world protest current marijuana laws and celebrate by lighting up a fat one. What they do not realize is Francisco Fattone, who began the catch phrase 4:20, actually coined the phrase this way so marijuana users would commemorate Adolf Hitler's birthday - corrected as 4/20.
HAWAIIAN MYTHS - NOW WITH MORE MYTH
It has been discovered, what American anthropologists believed to be Native Hawaiian myth was nothing more than a long-running joke. The stories have been traced to an anti-American native of the Hawaiian islands, Akele Tutuk Miu. On his death bed, when asked why he had repeatedly misinformed anthropologists, he stated, "Our people have a magic far greater than your technology. We curse you everyday ... basically, I lied ... to keep it all a secret." Further studies by archeologists, sociologists and anthropology majors claim it may take as much as 15 years of reexamination to clearly define the Native Hawaiian religion.
QUEEN OF THE BOX OFFICE
Sources say R & B singer Aaliyah was killed by the producers of the movie Queen of the Damned - based on the story by Anne Rice. The producers believed it would be a huge box office success, but they feared an African American audience - who they claim are easily frightened by horror movies - would not spend money at this feature attraction. Causing, and using, the death of the up-and-coming African American star to get black audiences to filling up theater seats, increasing the movie's market share by a possible $25 million dollars.
I posted this faux conspiracy theory not long after her plane accident happened. It is now officially a www-myth, posted on message boards and I have even seen a website page that quotes the entire paragraph above. Humans are hilarious, though we're pretty much done for.
FILL'ER UP
The Miami Department of Beaches has come up with a way to help stop shoreline and beach erosion. Small 1 to 3 millimeter, white granules - called Beach Filler - that look similar to fractured shells or sand particles, but are actually made of a polyester polymer that will not erode. They say that by 2010 all beaches in the Dade County area will be more than 20% Beach Filler.
CIRCUMCISION CIRCUMSPECT
The ancient Hebrew rite of circumcision, where a man loses his foreskin to accept the Covenant of Abraham, is simply religious interference into the sexual lives of it's constituents. Rabbis thought they could control bestial impulses and the sexual urges of their people, or at least decrease it, by removing the most sensitive part of the penis - making the male gender, what they thought to be more godlike, and less animal-like.
COIN COLLECTORS BEWARE
On any coin, look under the date - on most there is nothing, but on a few (under the date) you may find a capital S, D or other letter. This is what is known as a 'marked series' coin. The reason for this is an age old Masonic ritual, in which you gain power over individuals by placing in their hands blood, saliva or sperm. Each letter represents a series of rituals where Masons have either spit into, slit their wrists or masturbated over a ceremonial pot, which is later dropped into the coin's mix at the Federal Reserve.
I'LL BE A MONKEY'S CHAUFFEUR
The state of California, in cooperation with Globochem Corporation, has given two chimpanzee (Toto and Utanza) their official State of California drivers license. Wendy McNamera of the Department of Motor Vehicle said, "It's a program the chimps at Globochem have begun. They've learned sign language quite well and they learned how to drive in just two months. They should be out on the road en mass by the year 2010. They'll probably drive better than most people."
YOU'RE GETTING FATTER
Before 1986 bread was 4 to 4.25 inches in length (as were common toaster slots), as of 1987 when the Committee for Food Consumption and Distribution decided, against health standards, to make bread 5.25". Their goal sited for the change was, as one spokesperson said, "...a heavier person makes for a better consumer of goods and foods."
WITCHES BURN
The five Salem, Massachusetts citizens found guilty of being witches and burned at the steak in the 1600s had a new day in Court. Retried and found not guilty by the Courts of Salem. Eighth grade descendant of one of those charged, Sherry Kelly Warrell said, "I want to make sure that people know she was not a witch. History will now record what she really was." Thomas Appalus quoted Biblical references to his Church by the Wayside congregation days after the hearing; "The fifth seal in The Book of Revelation; man shall exonerate devils and forgive Satan for his trespass against God and his kingdom. Proof that the end time has come."
THE TALL SHALL RULE
According to statistics, when starting at the equator to either of the arctic poles, humans grow in size. Average height at the equator is 5"6", while height at the most northern points are 6' 2". The Department of Health and Human Services released a report in June of 1994 stating, "The Northerners (in countries such as Norway, Canada, and Russia... etc) will soon begin to wipe out those smaller than themselves, and work their way towards the lower countries. By 2030 through 2050, there could be no one left under the measurement of 6 feet in height."
EYES WIDE OPEN
Eyes Wide Shut director, Stanley Kubric, who died during the movie's filming, was actually murdered by the American Motion Picture Association - who were upset for Kubric's espousal of secret sex rituals usually done by A. M. P. C. members when giving R movies a PG-13 rating.
AND IT WAS WRITTEN; 11 SHALL BE LIKE 13
Edgar Cayce wrote that the number 11 shall be seen as bad luck, similar to the number 13, after the new millennium (2000 AD). For many this has come to pass on Sept 11 2001. Take 9/11/01; 9+1+1=11, the 254th day of the year (2+5+4=11), leaving 111 days left in the year, Flight 11 crashes into the World Trade Towers, (towers 1 and 2 resemble the number 11), in New York (the 11th state added to the Union). New York City = 11 letters. Afghanistan = 11 letters.
RIP IT GOOD
Velcro™ is being used more often to help keep clothing pockets closed. Police departments around the United States have asked the fashion industry to help reduce crime by adding Velcro™ to almost everything they are designing. Officers have claimed that the Velcro™ makes a "tear-like sound... similar to a rip" when people attempt to open their pockets to remove illegal items or stash something.
Yet
another winner! Checking my website logs, I found this: velcro+conspiracy+rip+sound.
So that one is out there... going ear to ear.
I fucking rule you people!
DAMN - HOPE I DON'T HAVE A DAUGHTER
It has been written in the Journal of Public Affairs, at the rate porn can be produced, and the number of "fresh faces" needed, by 2025, 90% of young women in the United States and the continent of Europe - from the ages of 17 to 29 - will or have performed in at least one sexual video made for public release (not private use). Also according to the journal there is a possibility most will work - or have worked - of their own free will, but a few "may be forced into these films."
YOU SEE, THE GOVERNMENT ISN'T ALL BAD
The United States Postal Service themselves say junkmail was created for senior citizens who live alone. Arnold Stephen Wilson, U.S. Postmaster General for 1984 and 1985 had said, "They live alone, they love to get mail. They spend very little - it helps the economy to advertise specifically to them," and "...the mail everyday keeps them happy, as if someone still loves them."
LOOK OUT DEAN CANE, YOU'RE NEXT
The creators of the comic book hero Superman placed an ancient Hebrew curse on the character, called Boiling of the Goyem. It is claimed that if anyone plays the role of Superman whether in movies or on television, who was not of Jewish ancestry, would succumb under the horrible curse. It is believed to have already befallen George Reeve (1950s) and later Christopher Reeves (1990s). For this reason alone the creators of Smallville have yet to even mention title "Superman", though they use the name Clark Kent in every episode.
BILL "HELL'S" GATES
High ranking members of the Illuminati are upset because an "outsider" has climbed up the corporate, and world power, ladder. As an esoteric slap-to-the-face Bill Gate's MSN™ logo is a butterfly. The butterfly being the symbol used most in Chaos Mathematical Principles (ie - "A small change in initial conditions (a butterfly’s wings) can make our predictions about the weather inaccurate because they are initial conditions about the weather."). Microsoft™ uses the butterfly to symbolize the chaos an "outsider" is causing to "insiders".
Fucking Lies...
Heard
- or made up - any good ones lately? E-MAIL
us
because it's all in good fun and no one is out to fuck us over. Right?