Since time began men have had to put up with women and their rationing of sex. Give men a little here, a bit there... but never when we want it. Let alone when we really need it. As of lately, with newfound diseases and even AIDS, women put out even less than before.
On a similar subject, I wrote on how a man's best friend can be his own hand. Several articles about masturbation proved to be funny, but too many men seemed embarrassed. Some even wrote, complaining that a hand fails to satisfy, where a vagina always satisfies. So I am going to write an article that will HELP ALL MEN EVERYWHERE GET LAID!
First off, find an animal where their genital area or anal region can fit your penis. Suggested animals are sheep, cows, horses, pigs, and yes, even chickens. Just hop on a bus to your local petting zoo, or if you live on a farm... hell, you live in a virtually free whorehouse.
Once you have found an animal, foreplay is just as important to them as it is to humans. Always leave the animal standing. Almost 95% of all animals have sex standing upright. Lower yourself onto your knees. Work one finger into the animals "entrance" [which ever one you plan to use]. After a minute or so insert a second finger. This will get the animal in the proper mood. It's no fun fucking a dry donkey, let me tell you. Once you feel it is wet and loose enough. You must slip on your rubber. That's correct: a rubber. Animals carry gonorrhea, syphilis and other well known, yet incurable diseases. Now that you have it, strap the animal on, baby!
Give it time for the animal to relax and let it get used to having you mount them. It may take a while, so it is best to hold on to that animal for dear life. It may try to run or kick you in the nuts, but do not be afraid: animals smell fear, and it totally kills the mood... and that's a bummer. Be sensitive to the needs and wants of your partner. Don't be selfish. Pet the animal. Stroke its fur. Tickle them in places unknown.
If this is too much for you and you're still feeling just a tad embarrassed you may want to try dead animals. Death makes the animal easier to catch, but it does open a whole world of danger. Seeing how the animal has passed on. You may find that the animal carcass is rotted, smelly, cold, decomposed, or even diseased with more bacteria than I care to name here. Although you can try oral sex this way, because living animals tend to bite, where dead ones just lie there.
So have fun, have sex, and be safe; use protection. If not for you, then do it for the doggies everywhere.

Originally for Issue 8. This article was never released.