A FEW BLURBS
IF IT WERE UP TO THEM MY FANZINE WOULD BE BANNED
A group called Freedom Forum
held a survey not too long ago where it asked a slew of American citizens to
name all five of the rights protected under the First Amendment. A whopping
30% could not name a single one! 65% cited freedom of speech, and only 15% got
freedom of the press. A little better were those who remembered freedom of religion,
at 16%. And last were the 10% that said... right to assembly. And not a single
citizen of the good ol' U.S. of A. said the last one. Freedom of, the right
to... uh? It's the right to petition or protest, dummies. All apologies to our
In the same survey, 25% of those questioned did not want Nazis, skinheads, the klan, or militia groups to demonstrate. Over 50% wanted to keep potty mouths like Howard Stern off the air, citing that the sexual content of their shows have no right to be on the air. 45% of these dimwits wanted the Internet to have restrictions on what was allowed to be posted. Finally, 25% thought the First Amendment guarantees far too many rights to those who do not deserve them. The only thing I have to say to all this is, you should have to know your rights before you try to take them away, you shitheads! Thank you, I have spoken...
PRACTICAL JOKES FOR THE MASSES
The Easter Sunday Mass of April
1950 started off as any other, as its yearly 10,000+ pack Notre Dame Cathedral
in Paris, France. Yet, what was about to happen even shocks me to this day,
forty years later.
L. M. Mourre appears at the pulpit, after the Credo of the Saints is given, dressed in the garb of a Dominican monk, he begins to read that Easter's sermon:
"Today, Easter Day of the Holy Year, here under the emblem of Notre Dame of Paris, I accuse the universal Catholic Church of the lethal diversion of our living strength toward an empty heaven. I accuse the Catholic Church of swindling. I accuse the Catholic Church of infecting the world with its funereal morality. Of being the running sore on the decomposed body of the West. Verily I say unto you... God is dead!"
At this point in time the organ player, realizes what is going on and begins to churn out tunes to drown out the pranksters voice.
He begins to shout into the microphone, "Your prayers have been the greasy smoke over the battlefields of Europe!" The crowd begins to realize what is happening as well, and they start to gasp, and squirm in their seats, yet Mourre keeps yelling, "We proclaim the death of the Christ God, so that Man may live at last!"
At this point the Vatican Swiss guard began to unsheathe their swords and approach Mourre, as he smiles at the congregation and blesses them with the Sign of the Cross. He and three associates flee the cathedral, being chased by nearly 50 or so parishioners. The four funnymen ran laughing and screaming down the Paris streets until they we arrested, subsequently saved from the mob that had formed to lynch them.
Now this, ladies and gentlemen, is a practical joke!
I'M A SATANIST...
HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU'RE NOT
There is a number, The Satanic
Hotline (last check it was XXX-XXX-XXXX), it's run by a bunch of wacko Christians,
were the recorded message tells the caller ten things they may be doing which
proves they are into Satanism or occult practices. Iknow what I'm doing wrong.
1) Building fires and/or dancing around fires. So I guess if you camp out or are a member of the Boy scouts, you are in trouble. 2)Joining the Mormon Church, Jehovah's Witness, Scientology or Christian science. Well, who can argue that Scientology came from the devil? 3) Live in Tibet. Uh... I guess they believe Communist China is "right on". 4) Playing Dungeons & Dragons. I did this, so they may have a point. 5) Becoming president of the U. S. Not because of blow-jobs, but because of the Tri-Lateral Commission. 6) Taking drugs in a mental hospital. Hey, if God made you crazy, you should stay crazy! 7) Practice yoga. No, that just means you are the devil! 8)Attending A. A. meetings. It must be easier getting into heaven if you're a lush. 9) Thinking you are immortal. It's a sign of madness... then you might break #6. And lastly, 10) Thinking you are God. Oh shit, I'm fucked!
THE GREAT NAME OF THE GREAT FORCE
All these people in the Middle East have their underwear in a bunch because they await God to return. According to their myths, you simply have to know the Name of God, and utter in a New Messianic Age. So what is the big deal? Here you go
*Then they said:
"Is this the Great Name of your Father, who existed from the Beginning, or of one greater?"
And the Christ said:
"No, but it is the Name of the Great Force which is in all worlds. If you speak the word, all the Worlds must submit. Those, which are in the AEons from the first to the last, even unto the Treasure of the God of Truth. The Guardians, the Hierarchies, and the Firmaments shall open before you; this is the name which I tell unto you:
"This is the Name which you must speak in the Interior World; the Name of the God of Truth "
So there you have it. Don't pronounce it wrong and go destroying the world now, hear!
(*)Excerpt from a Gnostic text 'The Book of The Grand Words of Each Mystery' found in Florence Farr's "Egyptian Magic: Essays On The Nature and Applications of Magical Practices in Pharaonic and Ptolemaic Egypt" (1896)
THE LIFE-BLOOD OF ORGANIZED RELIGION
One lesson which seems as important
as all others in life, is often the one no one wants to hear; "We will
all some day die."
This isn't some sort of intellectual hodge-podge, it is simply, the truth. With this truth comes the ability to face our mortal limitations, which in fact, liberate us. So once again, I state, "We will all someday die!"
This bit of incredibly simplistic knowledge can be taken one of two ways:
A) The realization that life may be short, therefore actions count and we cannot afford to waste time; producing a positive fulfillment of all of one's needs. Or...
B) The realization that life may be short, therefore nothing is worth my time and actions; producing a mental state where the mind is crippled and an individual is kept from reaching any of their set goals.
The scariest thing is that organized religion thrives on "B," utilizing the inevitability of death to create fear. Now, suddenly fear of death becomes a justification of blind faith.
JUST SCREW IT!
Nike Shoes made a television
commercial for a pair of their new hiking shoes, in which they use a shot of
a Samburu tribesman from Kenya speaking about the shoe. As the tribesman holds
the shoe he speaks at the camera, at the bottom of the screen is the translation,
"Just do it."
In Cincinnati is Lee Cronk, an anthropologist fluent in the Samburu tribe's native language of Maa, who is watching television and sees the commercial. He calls his friend, Jonathan Haines who is a writer for The Cincinatti Journal and tells him what he just saw. When Jon asks what the big deal is, Lee states, the tribesman did not say, "Just do it," but instead is saying, "I don't want these. Give me bigger shoes."
When Nike was reached for comment, they said, "We thought nobody in America would know what he was saying."
POP-ECOLOGY, PAPER, SCISSORS
If I hate humans so much, why
do I not consider myself an Ecologist? As I see it, I am an Ecologist, but I
refuse to use the title. Most who call themselves Ecologists, are actually "Pop-Ecologists"
(or what Robert Anton Wilson called Ecological Mystics).
Ecology is the science of ecosystems and the effects of lifeforms upon that ecosystem. Ecology, like most sciences, progresses and moves forward whenever new information arises. It seeks out what is to be true without claiming it as an altruism. Science can be wrong, and it knows this.
On the other hand, we have pop-Ecology is run by morals, opinions and judgments without ever referring to data, and when data is used, statistics are manipulated to suit their version of "the truth."
For instance, the other day I was reading a vegan pamphlet, which insisted that the lack of canines was proof humans should not eat meat. I take it that we should forget about facts. facts that PROVE humans do have canines, just not as pronounced as, say a dog. Facts such as depletion of iron supplements when the eating of meat stops, stomach acid that can burn holes into a carpet, and eyes in front of our head, as most predators do.
So yes I AM an Ecologist and I do love animals more than humans... oh crap, my hamburgers are burning!
LIED TO ME
THEY LIED TO ME NOT
In the 60s, psychologist Paul
Watzlavik found totally sane people can behave in totally irrational and sometimes
borderline psychotic episodes when they are told they have been lied to.
Communication specialists all over the world claim that systematic lying leads to what is commonly referred to as "disinformation situations," where those lied to begin to distrust and demonize everyone else, including those who had been previously and usually honest.
This kind of disinformation is commonplace in out society and can be found in advertising, organized religion, and the government, but is becoming more typical in everyday people. We are a generation which strives to be a better class of person than we really are, which leads to lying about how much money we make, who we know or even how righteous we may be.
Psychiatrist, R. D. Land, claimed this systematic lying is possibly one of the highest factors in psychotic breakdowns. Truth is, this seems possible because when the politics of lying become normal... alienation psychosis and paranoia become normality.
WE ARE FIGHTING CUZ MY DICK SAYS SO!
As most of you know, testosterone
is the hormone which ignites the male's sexual drive, but as some studies prove,
it also increases violence. The male sexual peak ranges from ages 17 to 24,
which also happens to be the years in which violent crimes peak in males. As
the studies also mentioned, testosterone PLUS a bad environment are the causes
for the violent drive, which in a health environment the lashes tend to be artistic
and creative, rather than violent.
Now, why is it then most major wars are started by men who are way past their peak years after testosterone would actually be decreasing in their system?
In a study by Michael Hutchinson (in The Anatomy of Sex and Power), he found that after testing athletes, most had a temporary increase in testosterone. Could it be that certain men can feel this increase and wrongfully pick fights even when they do not want to fight, just so they can simply "get it up" later? When you think about this, it really brings new light to what Henry Kissinger was once claimed to have said: "Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac."
THE CATHODE-RAY FIX
MORE ADDICTIVE THAN CRACK
There is an epidemic in America,
and we're spreading it all over the world.
The television screen, were visuals, music, and words produce images which make us practically gorge at the troft of commercialism, has become more addictive than any other drug known to man. We begin to need a fix.
This fix is for something we may never find in life; the culmination of our own desires. Whether it is social, sexual, material or even emotional, television's hold produces a state where the senses dissatisfaction with the real world and its images conjure up a crisis of identity and finally confusion in personality. It internally collapses each new viewer to construct a more passive consumer, giving us an ever-increasing law of diminished returns.
The human mind, especially those who choose to live their lives through others, begin a need for stimulation, simulation, hype and consumption. Best of all, you'll never know who needs a fix, because TV junkies never sweat or shake.
For those of you who need a storyline to understand what I'm talking about, read Mark Downham's The Videodrome, and for those of you who missed the point entirely, rent the movie.
SOCIETY? WE DON'T NEED NO STINKEN' SOCIETY
A society is a group of unequal
beings organized to meet common needs. The human population is not a society,
but rather a collective. Ants are a society. Wolves are a society. They adhere
to a form of social order. Humans, most of them at least, cultivate this fantasy
where the weak and simple-minded are equal in every way to those who have enough
strength and intelligence to work towards a society. Humans are a collection
of individuals or followers who feel the need to "help" their less
fortunate "brother", when in fact, that "brother" needs
help in only one objective...eradication.
In a sexually reproducing species, equality of individuals is a natural impossibility. Inequality must therefore be regarded as the first law of social materials, whether in human or other societies. Equality of opportunity should be regarded as the second law. Insect societies, such as ants, create genetically determined castes, but among back-boned creatures this is not the case. Excluding the few exceptions, vertebrates are granted the opportunity to display their genius or to make fools of themselves!
A just society is a realizable one, yet we homosapiens cover up this fact by creating a system where we apologize to the weak by handouts thinly disguised with names like "affirmative action" and "welfare". Since the animal, unlike his human cohort, is seldom tempted by the pursuit of the impossible, his societies are seldom denied the realizable. A just society, as I see it, is one in which sufficient order protects members, yet allows for individual members a full opportunity to develop his genetic endowment, whatever that may be. A system without mind-numbing laws and to-the-letter regulations, the same way nature has provided for other species through out time. Man's violation of this biological command has been the failure of the social structure. We pretend that the law of inequality does not exist, but all we need to do is look around and see how nature has sustained herself for billions of years with this same law. A law, which we defiled and are now paying the consequence through environmental pollution and earthly destruction.
Humans are silly animals, who although enlightened, are constantly pursuing the unattainable while making the realizable impossible. And so, it is now man's punishment we face through the very natural law we turned our backs on. We have made this life a horrid one. I hope you're happy.
VAMPIRES? WHAT ABOUT THIS WHOLE GOD THING?
Abruzzi: Italy, Adze: Ewe, Algul:
Aribia, Alp: Old Germany, Alytos: Ancient Greek, Asanbosam: Ghana, Aswang: Philipines,
Bajang: Malasia, Baobhan-Sith: Scotland, Bataks: Sumatra, Bhuta: India, Bibi:
Gypsy, Blutsauger: Germany, Brahmaparush: Northern India, Bruxa: Portugal, Chordewa:
Bengal, Churel: Dewal, Civatateo: Aztec, Danag: Spanish Philipines, Dearg-Due:
Celtic, Dhampir: Slav, Dubbelsuger: Northen Germany, Ekimmu: Babylon, Empusa:
Greek, Eretica: Russia, Gayal-Ut: Pakistan, Gleaner: Dutch, Hannya: Japan, Hsi-Hsue-Kuei:
China, Jaracacas: Brazil, Jigarkhwar: Sind, Ka: Egypt, Katakhana: Crete, Kephn:
Burma, Kozlak: Dalmatia, Kresnik: Slovenia, Krvoijac: Bulgaria, Kuang- Shi:
Southern China, Kudlak: Istria, Kukudhi: Albania, Lamia: Libya, Lampir: Bosnia,
Loogaroo: West Indies, Mau-Mau: Kenya, Motetz Dam: Hebrew, Muroni: Romania,
Nachzehrer: Bavaria, Nelapsi: Czechoslovakia, Nosferatu: Romania, Obayifo: Ashanti,
Ohyn: Poland, Priculics: Wallachia, Rakshasa: India, Ramanga: Madagascar, Sanguisuga:
Ancient Roman, talamaur: Bank Islands, Ubour: Yugoslavia, Upir: Ukraine, Utukku:
Assyria, Vampir: United Kingdom, Vampire: United States, Vampiro: Spain, Vodun
Zombi: Haiti, Vrykolakas: Macedonia, Vukodlak: Serbia, Zmeu: Moldavia
Every culture, whether highly developed or third-world, has a name for the vampire, yet most do not actually believe in the existence of such a creature, even with witness accounts, documented sightings (from policemen, clergy, government officials, etc.) and books upon books mentioning the existence of vampires. Almost every person on this planet thinks vampires do not exist, yet use the same proof (if not less) to prove the existence of some man in the sky, sitting on a throne, ready to rain down ash if we step out if line. Someone's reasoning is a little off.
Nowadays with all this computer
software protecting your system against the latest virus, it seems that revenge
in the workplace or against other computer nerds just isn't as fun anymore.
With the future of computers already here, it seems for fun and mischief we
have to go back into the past.
Here is a nasty little ditty that will fuck up ANY computer no matter how protected it may be:
Take a small dish and pour nail polish into it. Now get about 5 or 6 books of matches and cut the heads of into the liquid. Pulverize it until you have a somewhat gooey paste. Take the end-result and brush it onto a 3.5" diskette in a smooth thin layer. Make sure to leave a clean area in case they pull back the protective mechanism to inspect the disk.
Either leave it anonymously with a note that tells them to check it out. Usually they will try to run the program since no one is any longer scared due to all the latest anti-virus software. When they run the program, the boot reader will ignite the diskette and blammo: chard hard drive.
FIRST YOU HAVE TO BREAK THE LAW
It has been brought to my attention,
not that politicians give a shit about my opinion anyway, that some states are
going to start charging prisoners room and board.
Now, our prisons are packed to the gills, and those on Capitol Hill believe that charging $40 to $70 per day seems to help curb a tax spending problem. I disagree wholeheartedly. Considering that this charge does make sense to most con artists, pyramid scammers or anyone who is in the Senate, the numbers just don't add up. Let's say a junkie, who was in for stealing money to buy crack, cannot pay... do we kick him out?
It isn't a bad idea if they worked all day and took their wages to pay for the prisons, but most of the inmates who will be billed are not on a work-release program, nor a chain gang. Like all else in Washington, this wreaks of stupidity!
If this takes off, the politically correct way to say prisoner would be "involuntarily lodged". We could change the names of Dade County Correctional Facility to Courtdate by Marriott, 90 Days Inn or Motel 6 (to 10). We could come up with catchy slogans and make TV commercials. Showa burglar getting busted and carried away with the caption "Holdingday Inn: Where we expect you to steal the towels." They wouldn't be prisoners anymore, they would be Inn Mates.
How about making these prisons less like hotels and more like prison? When I was locked up, I had HBO... saw some good movies too. My apartment didn't have cable, but my cell did. Let us get rid of the cable, the laundry service, the weight- lifting equipment and make them work, and work, and work, and then study.
And if you think criminals are clogging up the system now, wait till they have to reappear in court for their "failure to pay rent" hearings.
It all goes to show you that a wall of rocks does not make a prison, but a head full of rocks makes you the next head of the Department of Corrections.
American football is the only
sport I know of where overweight and unintelligent lunk-heads can, not only
become well known, but rich. Okay, hold on... not counting golf and bowling,
I'm talking about athletic sports.
In American football, these chumps huddle, grab the ball, run five feet and collapse; usually from lack of energy, and not from being tackled, mind you. A small portion of all American football players can actually run, kick, catch and throw. Yet these fat shits are in full demand here in the U.S. and are being paid in the millions.
Of course, the real athletes are the Euro-football players. Confused? It's what we Americans call "soccer". Now there's a sport! The action is constant and the athletes are real athletes, they run (a lot!), kick, and pound each other. So why hasn't the most sport and violence intensive country caught on to this game? Simple... the media corporations don't want you to. Euro-football does not have the same time breaks or even close to a third of the breaks any other sport shown in America has, therefore less breaks would equal less commercials, which in turn would equal less income. This is just one reason why hockey isn't that big, and when it is shown on TV it takes half the night because of all the breaks the television stations take to run their high-priced commercial spots.
Two things that I do find to be quite amusing about Americans and their love of their football, is that the only interest they do seem to take in Euro-football is the violence, in which they think every quarter the fans break out into a bloodbath or something. Secondly, is that only two countries play American football; that being only Americans and those American wannabes, the Canadians, and they somehow get the balls to crown the Superbowl Champions as "world champs". Yes, world champs to a game no one else in the world even wants to play.
A SPADE IS A SPADE
BUT WHAT THE HELL IS THE DEFINITION OF A SPADE?
The Massachusetts based publisher,
Merriam-Webster agreed to change certain definitions in their best-selling dictionary.
The words which they say needed definition revisal were: nigger, kike, honky, gook, chink, wop, kraut, queer, cracker, faggot, redneck, sissy and almost 200 others which are considered racial and gender slurs.
The change comes after a Michigan woman was offended by the dictionary defining "nigger" as: "a black person usually taken to be offensive." It was later changed to: "usually offensive; a black person." That didn't go well either, but how they're going to water it down next, I just have to see.
SUE SUIT RIOT
In southern California,
a group calling itself Citizens Against Lawsuit Abuse (CALA) is trying to stop
thousands of frivolous lawsuits which tie up the courts time, and worst of all,
cost U. S. taxpayers millions in tax dollars.
As a part of their campaign, CALA (who were last reached at 1-XXX-XXX-XXXX) has printed a deck of 52 playing cards, in which the suits are replaced with lawsuits. Rather than a large Ace of Spades in the middle, it may read something like...
"A prison inmate filed a $5 lawsuit against himself, claiming he had violated his own civil rights by getting arrested. He the asked the state to pay the damages because he had no income due to his incarceration."
JUST SOMETHING I THOUGHT YOU SHOULD KNOW
So the Pope changed the Catechism?
Made it a little more "acceptable" to public opinion. They want a
kinder more gentle religion. I mean isn't that what that Christ guy kept yappin'
about? But, the Catechism has been changed before. To win over some much needed
friendships, Pope John XIII eliminated this passage:
"Why did God make me?
God made me to love Him and serve Him in this world,
And to be happy with Him forever in the next.
What is the sacrament?
A Sacrament is a visible sign of an invisible grace.
Who killed our Lord, Jesus?
Jesus was killed by the Wicked Jews."
Each was taken from a different issue, from Issue 1 through 7. All have been previously released.